Night boat to Helsinki, part two...

Last night's dinner in Bon Vivant (and yes, I still hate the name) was absolutely amazing and arguably the best meal I've eaten outside of my own house. I started with potato and oyster mushroom, but there was no mention of 'soup' and I was wondering exactly what I'd get. A jacket potato with mushrooms? Surely not. And no, it wasn't that, it was a soup, which was very tasty even if it didn't look that appetising. It had made the mistake of fine dining establishments in the UK from the early noughties onwards: that of serving up something that resembles gob. Or as fine dining establishments like to call it, foam. I hate it! And yes it does look as if somebody (the chef probably) has gobbed in a dish, added a bit of garnish and shouted 'Service!' But it tasted good. It tasted great but it wasn't particularly substantial. I've enjoyed better soups, put it that way, but still, it was good and that's all that matters. For my main course, I chose beef and plum and again the description was deceptive. What was I going to get? A piece of beef and a plum? Well, yes, I suppose, but it was much better than that: a huge slab of beef cooked to perfection with a very tasty slab of potato 'cake' on which was resting a large sprig of brocolli. Is that right? A sprig of brocolli? Anyway, it was the most amazing main course and I loved every bit of it, even if the waiter did arrive a few moments later to say he'd given me the wrong sauce (I hadn't noticed) and said it didn't matter a jot. I finished with a rice pudding dish – 'rice and gooseberry' – and it too was amazing, far better than I expected and easily the healthiest dessert on the menu. An alcohol-free Heineken and a large bottle of mineral water finished off the meal and I must say I sat there for a long time chilling as the ship steamed its way towards Helsinki.

Icy waters surrounding the port in Stockholm

After dinner there wasn't much to do unless I fancied the noisy cabaret act or the fruit machines in the casino. There's nothing worse than a casino, especially on a ship, because the reality is there are no 'high rollers' just chancers in ill-fitting clothes, you know the sort of person, they used to hog the pub fruit machine and knew far to much about when to 'nudge' and when to collect, always had pockets full of tokens jingling in their pockets. They're not James Bond, they're not George Clooney or anybody else who looks good in a dinner suit, they're just fools who will eventually lose whatever they win. Gambling, like drinking, is pointless. So with a toss-up of cabaret or casino I decided just to wander around. I checked my flight to London, added all the information the airline wanted to know and then put the finishing touches to yesterday's blogpost. It was soon time for bed, not that I really wanted to return to the barren cabin, but all the shops were closing for the night and it was almost 2300hrs. I lay on my bed, resting my head on the one pillow provided, and listened to the noises of the ship (which were mainly people flushing toilets in nearby cabins). 

Ice surrounds the ship

Outside it was dark and all that was visible was the bright white bow wave of the ship as it ploughed through the inky black sea. Eventually I fell asleep but I awoke around 0300 and by and large that was it, I never got back to sleep. I looked out every now and then and saw distant ships that I imagined were going back to Stockholm from Helsinki, but that was it. Prior to that moment (and probably much earlier on, possibly around midnight) I remember the ship slowing down. When I looked out of the window there were lights and a port and it reminded me of that scene in Apocalypse Now when Martin Sheen arrives in a strange, illuminated part of the jungle where the soldiers are dropping acid and I think Dennis Hopper turned up taking photographs. My memory of the movie is sketchy at best. I remember it being 0600 and 0700 and then I noticed that my watch was losing power, the battery needed to be replaced. 

Fast Lane restaurant...

At around 0800hrs I jumped into the shower. I wasn't expecting anything great, but it turned out to be the best shower of the trip, far better than the Birger Jarl hotel's offering. The space was cramped, however,  and the plug appeared to be blocked so the tray filled up and overflowed – but then I saw a plug on the floor and assumed it was a 'wet room', although that doesn't excuse the shower as there was a plug in the shower that clearly wasn't working. I decided not to shave, I just couldn't be bothered, and besides, I needed to get out of the cabin and down to breakfast in the Fast Lane restaurant. I'd imagine that Bon Vivant is closed and who wants a fine dining breakfast for heaven's sake, miniscule portions of food that should be piled high on the plate? Fast Lane was making big claims about its breakfast and to be fair it delivered on them. Porridge with berries and yoghurt fitted the bill nicely, throw in a pastry, a banana and a mint tea and I was in my element again. But then I wondered, when am I not in my element? Probably when I'm hungry. I kind of regret the pastry, but other than that all was well.

The view from cabin 9212, Thursday 8th February, 0800hrs.

The sea is flat calm and there's a mist that limits visibility. It's 0939 and there's about an hour to run. I'll need to get back to my cabin in order to pack stuff up and make ready to disembark. I must say I've enjoyed the ride, it's been a great night on the high seas and far better than being in a hotel, and I think I probably exaggerated the more unsavoury elements of the trip. It wasn't the ship's fault that one of its passengers decided to have a noisy shag and I suppose I ought to forgive the man in Fast Lane for belching, he was only human after all. 

The perfect main course...

Was it a party boat? Well, I suppose for some it probably was; there was certainly a lot of entertainment and with entertainment comes drinking so I'm guessing there are a few people with sore heads this morning wishing they didn't have to disembark, but in so many ways it was very civilised, far more civilised than it might have been if the ship was English. The passengers on the Silja Symphony were a little more sophisticated, considerably less lairy and drunk than their English counterparts. There's a mixed bunch here in Fast Lane this morning: a young family with a baby and their parents, the odd married couple, two kids playing on their own by the window, a man with a pony tail and beard playing with his iphone, a couple of slightly older people, probably married, a woman on her own, her case already packed and by her side, drinking tea, and many other variants of humanity going about the simple task of eating whatever they consider to be 'breakfast' be it a cup of tea or a bowl of porridge.

It's getting very close to the time when we disembark. Looking out of the window now I can see a lot of land, lots of snow and houses and hills and bare trees. We're in Finland that's a fact and it looks very cold and bleak, much bleaker than Stockholm so I'm glad I've brought the Russian hat with me and that I'm wearing a thick jumper and my UniQlo trousers, which are padded and warm. I'd better go, it's been good and I'd definitely do it again, that's a fact.

Minus 14 degrees in Helsinki...sea's frozen up

It's seriously cold out there, I thought as I surveyed the port area of Helsinki. My iphone said it was minus 14 degrees and the sea had frozen up. There were huge chunks of ice covering every inch of the sea and it was amazing how the boat managed to get through it all, but it did. Foolishly I had left my charger and adaptor in the cabin, which was mildly annoying as I'd spent a lot of time surveying the cabin for anything I might have left behind. I failed to check the power point. But no matter, I simply went back in and retrieved it and no time was lost.

Breakfast on the boat...

There was ice on the ground in Helsinki – a lot of ice – it was much, much colder than Stockholm and I had to be careful in case I slipped and fell. Fortunately I didn't fall and it was only a matter of time before I found myself at Helsinki airport after a brief meeting with a colleague. The check-in procedure was pretty straightforward and there was a queue for security, but it soon dwindled into nothing and eventually I was through and sitting in Nordic Kitchen where I ordered a salmon sandwich and some Fazer chocolate, not forgetting a mug of green tea. I might buy myself a bottle of water for the flight. Earlier, I ordered a cab to take me from London Heathrow to home (£79). That will save a gruelling journey with a suitcase on public transportation. I should be home by around 2200hrs.

I'm flying Finnair and if I remember correctly they hand out a small circular piece of chocolate in a red wrapper. I'll be looking forward to that. Having said that, I've had a couple of small bars of Fazer with my salmon sandwich in Nordic Kitchen so I don't want to be overdoing things. In fact, all this eating of rubbish simply has to stop, but I just can't resist it, especially if I'm hungry. I need to start swimming and upping the cycling as the weather warms up, but I can't keep talking, I must act.

Night boat to Helsinki!, part one...

I can't contain my excitement! I used to reserve such joy for a long train journey, but now I'm about to embark upon a sea journey, from Stockholm to Helsinki, an overnight trip on the Silja Symphony. I can board the boat around 1530hrs, or so I'm told, and then we depart around 1645hrs. Our arrival time in Helsinki is 1030hrs and there's little much to do on board but sleep and eat (two of my favourite pastimes). Actually, sleeping is not a favourite pastime, I don't know why I said that as I often wake in the middle of the night and then spend hours trying to get back to sleep. Last night, for example, I awoke around 0100hrs, but that was because I hit the sack around 2130hrs. I got up, wandered around the room a bit then got back in to bed and somehow I awoke around six. I reckon I had around eight hours sleep in total. I took a shower and went down for breakfast, but it wasn't as relaxed as Tuesday's first meal of the day. I decided not to have the 'Full Swedish' of scrambled eggs, mushrooms and cherry tomatoes, settling instead for a bowl of cereal with seeds and raisins and yoghurt and a bowl of fruit (oranges, grapes, melon). Throw in a green tea and that was it; alright, on the way out I grabbed a mini croissant and a small biscuit, but that was it. I had to check out and as you might recall me saying in yesterday's post, I hate checking out of hotels. Still, there was little fuss, everything had been paid for, I hadn't used the minibar so it was plain sailing.

In the dock awaiting departure for Helsinki.

I took a cab to the other side of town, to the Hilton Hotel where I had some business to attend to and then I took a short stroll to a coffee shop close to the Birger Jarl hotel called Bröt & Bread where I ordered a cappuccino and a really tasty pastry filled with almond paste. Afterwards, I retrieved my suitcase from the hotel before boarding another taxi which would take me to my final meeting of the day. I got there early and tried to find a café that was open just to keep out of the cold. I found one opposite an ice rink and ordered a green tea and soon it was time for the meeting. Lunch followed in an excellent Thai restaurant and then, after saying my farewells, I took yet another taxi to the port at Hamnpirsvägen 10 where I have to await the Silja Symphony, my boat for the journey.

I've switched to a cabin with windows

Right now I'm sitting in a café, I've just ordered a vanilla tea (and bought a fridge magnet) and now it's a waiting game. There's not many people around, but having said that, I arrived around 1300hrs, actually, make that 1330hrs. Right now, at 1441hrs, there's more activity, but mine isn't the only boat waiting on the port side, there are boats to Turku and Tallinn too and who knows who is going where? All I know is that my boat doesn't start boarding until around 1500 to 1530hrs. There's a group of five people sitting close by, one is American and I'm not sure about the others. The American talks a lot about eagles. Two people, one being the American, sport black shirts and bald heads, they look virtually identical but they're not.  There are a few families, I can hear kids and everybody is wearing a bobble hat. Mind you, it is very cold and it's quite funny the way Swedish people cast aside preening and looking neat and tidy, bowing instead to the harshness of the cold weather (understandably) and wearing what looks like sleeping bags. Bivvy bags, bobble hats, trousers, you name it, the game is to keep warm at all costs.

I can't think of much else to say at this present time, except to say that they upgraded my cabin, which I didn't expect. Either way I don't get a window, but according to one of my colleagues, it'll be dark by the time I sail and I won't need one. 

This ship is absolutely huge!

I decided to take the ferry because I didn't fancy three flights in one trip. I'd already flown from London to Stockholm and I didn't fancy flying Stockholm to Helsinki and then Helsinki to London as that would have meant...well, I'm not sure what it would have meant; I suppose another hotel room in Stockholm or Helsinki. So I opted for the boat, which I reckon is cheaper, it's only £132...or something like that. So, as I say, here I am. I have my ticket, I have everything I need for the journey. I'm getting twitchy. I need to know whether there will be an announcement or whether we're all expected to just get up, go through the barriers and board the ship.

There's some kind of automatic machine scooting around the terminal building, probably a scrubber/dryer or some kind of cleaning device. I remember once (while a freelancer) having to write about scrubber dryers, oh, the glamour! I've just got up and checked and it is a scrubber/drier (see video). How fantastic! I know, little things, but it's not that little, it looks a bit like a Dalek. The machine is amusing others, namely the two bald-headed men wearing black shirts who earlier were talking about eagles. They've now visited the restrooms leaving a white-haired man with a white hoodie covered in stars chatting to one of the two women who share the table. I presume the other woman, ah...here she comes now, she's back, dressed in black (as she was before she left) and she has dyed black hair. She must have been in the restrooms.

Dancing girls greet passengers...

I'm going to take a wander, find out the lie of the land, see if there's going to be an announcement, find out what's 'beyond passport control' and generally get my bearings. I don't need any more to eat and I hear the catering on board is good. Talk again later...

Later...

So I found out that there would be an announcement and there was and now I'm on board, in my cabin and it's not brilliant. Very basic. It makes me wonder what the cabin I had before was like. I'm told that I can upgrade to a cabin with a window for just 20 Euros, I'm definitely doing that, but I can't do anything for another 25 minutes after the boat has departed. It's 1645hrs now so we should be leaving soon.

The ship in the dock as we embark on our journey...

I've taken a wander around and it's okay, there's a few gift shops and a number of restaurants and eating areas. Currently I'm in Fast Lane, a kind of cafeteria selling pastries and hot drinks. I bought a green tea and a couple of small bars of Fazer chocolate and I'm sitting in the corner blogging because you can only get wifi on level seven. On level 6 there's an Italian restaurant, but I've booked myself a table in Bon Vivant (I hate that name) for 1830hrs, it seemed like the most upmarket offering on board. Elsewhere on the ship there's a conference going on. There are various bars dotted around and the whole ship shouts excess, there's plenty of opportunity for Sweden's Dave Oafs to drink themselves senseless on board and then stagger off in the morning. I keep seeing people with trays of lagers and can only imagine how awful it could be. 

Noisy shaggers...

Outside of drinkers, of course, there are shaggers. I was quietly minding my own business in a public area on deck 11 when I heard the unmistakable porn movie shrieking of a woman behind one of the doors close to my own. She clearly had no sense of shame as she wailed on and on and on in true porn star manner. It was quite embarrassing if the truth be known. I know these boats have a reputation to keep up – that of 'party boat' – but the passengers could pipe it down a bit, there are English people on board! I'd imagine whoever she is, she's cast off her bivvy bag and Ugg boots, dispensed with her bobble hat and jumpers and, well, there's not much room in those cabins and I don't particularly want to imagine any more. For all I know she might be a right heifer, but it doesn't always follow and who said heifers can't have their fun? And who am I to start calling somebody I don't know and haven't seen a heifer? The odd thing was I walked past all the shops, spoke to the lady on the information desk about upgrading (not because of the shaggers, I just wanted a window with a sea view) and when I got back to the 11th floor and was making my way to the cabin to get my laptop, she was at it again. I'm now wondering whether there's anybody in there with her or if she's got a giant vibrating dildo wired up to the mains, possibly USB-chargeable, purchased, perhaps, from a Stockholm sex shop, not that I've seen any sex shops – and not that I was looking either. I've been far too busy to entertain anything so sleazy – not that I'd entertain anything sleazy if I wasn't busy – all I want is dinner, my book and then bed, preferably in a cabin with a window. God! I'm sounding really old and boring aren't I? A decent meal and a book, that's all I want, but it's true, who wants the faff of anything else? Well, clearly the woman behind one of the doors further up from mine. Briefly, I imagined knocking on her door and telling her to keep it down, but that was probably the last thing on her mind; and the last thing on my mind was having an altercation with a Viking gentleman, although I'm not on the Viking Line.

Boats going to Helsinki and to Tallinn (Estonia)

So it's just gone 1700hrs and as far as I can tell we're still at port. Normally when you're on a huge ship like this one you get the sound of engines revving up and notice a little bit of movement. Then it's time to wonder if you're likely to suffer from seasickness. I've travelled across the North Sea before (twice) and on both occasions I was fine, let's hope so today. Earlier, I passed a seafood restaurant and thought no, imagine a double whammy: seasickness AND food poisoning, firing on all cylinders with a soundtrack of shagging as the boat dips and dives its way to Helsinki, or Helsingfors as it's known to the Swedes. The very thought almost made me sick as I imagined all the soft toys – the seals, the meerkats and the bears – giving me strange looks as I disembarked with a green complexion, smelling of sick and wishing I was home.

A man next to me has started belching loudly, I won't even look at him, but there you have it.

New cabin...

I managed to upgrade to a cabin with a window and it only cost me 20 Euros, not bad. I'm on deck nine, no longer on deck 11, and while the dimensions and style of the cabin are roughly the same, there's a window and I can see out at the twinkling lights of Sweden on the shore line. In all honesty I didn't know the boat was moving. I was expecting to hear the roar of engines, but there was nothing and if I hadn't asked somebody I would still think we were in the dock. If it stays like this I'll be happy. I've got dinner booked for 1830hrs in Bon Vivant (arguably the best restaurant on the ship) and if everything goes to plan I'll be docking in Helsingfors (Helsinki) around 1030hrs tomorrow morning. I just hope I get a decent night's sleep.

I'm back in Fast Lane, but I'm not eating and nobody has asked me what I'm doing so I assume all is well with the world. There's 20 minutes to kill before it's time to eat and I know that there's nothing but shops on this level (level seven) and that elsewhere there are bars, a conference centre, a casino (I hate casinos) and probably that's it. Oh, there's a gym too and I'm sure there's loads of other facilities; this is, after all, a hotel on on the high seas full of people shagging and drinking and buying stuff they don't need. There are men nursing pints of beer, men and women drinking together, alcohol wherever I look and I'm the only one on a laptop writing. The Society of the Spectacle is here too, I've seen it, on the sixth floor, or deck six, everything exactly the same as the 'spectacle' found at airports all over the world. Once again, I'm never tempted.