To Westerham – to sing the blues (Der-derdalla-dum!)

It's the weekend after the June 2017 General Election and Andy and I meet on the green at the usual time. We decide to 'get our heads down' and ride to Westerham. The weather is fantastic, perhaps not as hot as last weekend, but just as nice in many ways; there are cottonwool clouds in a blue sky and all is well with the world. There is one rule, however, before we set off and that is: we're not going to talk about politics. It's a good idea. Since 2015 when David Cameron, leader of the coalition with the Lib-Dems, promised an 'in-out' referendum on Europe and promptly took the country out of the European Union (he put party ahead of the interests of the country because he was running scared of UKIP stealing Tory votes) we've heard nothing but "Brexit". Cameron then resigned and Theresa May took over, trouncing bumbling Boris 'yes I do look ridiculous' Johnson and Michael 'call me Orville' Gove in the leadership contest. Boris became Foreign Secretary (who made that stupid decision?) and Gove was unceremoniously sacked.

Then, having promised not to call a General Election until 2020, Theresa May changed her mind – she's known for doing that – and we all set off for the polling station on Thursday. That's the bad news. The good news is that she messed up completely. Not only did she put in a piss-poor performance throughout her campaign, thanks to two hapless advisers – Nick Timothy (he of the awful beard) and Fiona Hill – she was almost defeated by Jeremy Corbyn's Labour Party, which made considerable gains, while the Tories lost seats and now have to form a government with the Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) on a 'confidence and supply' basis. And the funniest thing of all? She didn't have to call an election until 2020! I haven't stopped laughing! As for politics fatigue, we might well have another General Election later in the year.

Westerham, Kent, Saturday 10th June 2017 – note virtually cloudless skies

We rode to Westerham in silence, concentrating only on the road ahead, which was empty. Yes, the occasional Lycra Monkey en route, but nothing to write home about, and soon we found ourselves on the Green, sitting behind the statue of General Wolfe. We drank tea, we ate biscuits, we always do, and for some reason we started a conversation about music. I said that I simply didn't listen to music anymore, or rarely, normally in the car, but I've lost it completely, there are no bands I particularly like, I can't remember the last time I bought a CD and, well, that's it. How, I don't recall, but we got on to the subject of things people are kind of 'expected' to like. For instance, if you're really into your music, you're kind of duty-bound to say you like The Blues Brothers and The Commitments, two films I've never seen – along with Star Wars, the Matrix and so on; and then I said something about how I can't stand the blues, and threw in the rather arrogant notion that anybody can play the blues, just give them a gazoo and off they'll go. It's simple: You make up your lyrics and punctuate them with "Der-derdalla-Dum". So, as follows:-

I woke up this morning

"Der-derdalla-Dum"

I was feeling quite shit

"Der-derdalla-Dum"

Made me some coffee

"Der-derdalla-Dum"

I felt like a tit

"Der-derdalla-Dum"

Then I went to bathroom

"Der-derdalla-Dum"

I needed a shit

"Der-derdalla-Dum"

And that's when I knew mah life-wazza-sham

Coz I'm a loser, baby

24 carat! – I'm such a tit

I'm a loser, honey

Yeah! Can't even write a hit

"Derdalla, derdalla, derdalla derdalla dum, da-da dum"  

"Der-derdalla-Dum"

Came outta the toilet

"Der-derdalla-Dum"

Went straight to the car

"Der-derdalla-Dum"

Turned on the ignition

"Der-derdalla-Dum"

But I ain't goin' far

"Der-derdalla-Dum"

No gas in the tank

"Der-derdalla-Dum"

So I head back indoors

"Der-derdalla-Dum"

I'm feeling so mean

"Der-derdalla-Dum"

I just git to the stores

And that's when I knew mah life-wazza-sham

Coz I'm a loser, baby
[Short guitar riff – 'bip beele!, bip beele!]

24 carat! – I'm such a tit
[Bip beele! Bip beele!]

I'm a loser, honey

Can't even write a hit
"Derdalla, derdalla, derdalla derdalla dum, da-da dum"  

Said I'm a loser, little baby
"Derdalla-dum!"

Man! I'm such a tit!

Just in case I have written a hit song, it's Copyright Matthew Moggridge!

Perhaps I'll stop there, but you get my point. Who needs Eric Clapton or Seasick Steve when you've got me, Moronic Matt. I can turn out a tune with the best of them! Who can't?

The ride home was like it always is and, as always, we parted on the green and went home to enjoy the rest of the weekend.