I met the international man of mystery in the hotel's opulent reception area and out we went on to the rainy streets of Rome. Rain characterised the trip, but the weather was changeable. One minute it was bright and the skies were blue, and the next it was driving rain.
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| It's not Nelson's column, alright? |
The International Man of Mystery commented, as we ambled along a narrow Roman street, that we could be anywhere in Europe, and he was right. All European cities look the same and Rome was no exception. In fact, virtually everywhere looks the same unless you find yourself in, say, Morocco, the Middle East or the Far East. Restaurants with seats under awnings, tourist attractions beseiged by Chinese tourists and people touting their own excursions (10 euros for a guided tour around the Pantheon). We stood outside the Pantheon looking up at the pillars and I think we were both thinking the same thing: 10 Euros to look around something that was going to resemble the tourist attractions of countless other European cities, we would be ambling about with Chinese people holding out selfie sticks or following somebody holding up an unopened umbrella. It turned out to be free entry and, it seems, we missed a treat. But did we? I know how I would have felt. I would looked up and thought, yes, yes, yes, all very nice, let's move on. And move on we did. The Trevi Fountain was the same, in fact we saw it before we arrived at the Pantheon. The Trevi Fountain was overrun with Chinese tourists with selfie sticks. I wasn't impressed, put it that way, and started to wonder why everybody makes such a fuss of it. To be honest, it would look good in my back garden. We moved on, after a cappuccino, and headed for the aforementioned Pantheon – I almost wrote 'Parthenon'. Next up was what we thought were the Spanish Steps. They were definitely steps, but not the Spanish ones. It was raining as we headed, unimpressed, towards the Colosseum. Again, the same hordes of tourists, tour guides and what have you. We thought we'd have an early lunch (it was around 1130hrs) and found a smallish restaurant nearby, with a view of the Colosseum. Tortelloni and ragu sauce and a Pellegrino. The rain stopped and we headed back towards the hotel.
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| Yours truly at the Trevi Fountain... |
I've never been a 'tourist'. It doesn't matter what the attraction is, I'm not impressed. The Spanish Steps, the Trevi Fountain, the Colosseum, the Pantheon, give me a pastry and a cup of tea and I'm happy. It's the same wherever I go. The Palace of Versailles, no, I'm not interested. The leaning tower of Pisa – leave it out! Stonehenge, it's fucking boring! I could go on, but I won't. You get the gist of what I'm saying. I'm a philistine. I don't mind natural tourist attractions, like the Grand Canyon, Niagra Falls and such like, but not for long. Once I've seen it, I'm happy. Time for a cake and some tea, or a decent meal. I like to mooch around, that's my specialty, I don't want to stand in front of whatever it might be and put on my 'impressed and awestruck' face, I don't want to lie to people about the way I'm feeling towards a pile of old rubble – I'm not bowled over, I'm not impressed, I don't care, I'm not awestuck (I'm thinking: 'now there was a nice little café across the street, can't wait to get there!'). I live to mooch around, I want to bury my face in a book in the mellowed-out atmosphere of a coffee shop, preferably independent, and, yes, sit there looking out at the Colosseum, perhaps, or the Palace of Versailles, but I don't want a history lesson, I don't want to hear about how King Henry the Vlll used to do this and that and lived in a small room at the top of wherever it might be. Personally, I like the sea. I want a lonely beach, crashing waves, the sea air, sand and seaweed and, of course, a café, like the Lobster Pot in Felpham. I want the woods and the fields. I don't mind a riverboat trip or a stroll around the grounds of a National Trust property (as long as there's a visit to the teashop built in). But don't expect me to tour 'the house'. I don't want to see some 17th century bedroom or living room, with a harpsichord in the corner, or a load of ivory-handled brushes on an ancient dressing table. So what? Where's the café?
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| 'Impressed and awestruck' enough for you? |
Eventually we wound our way back to the hotel to await a minibus to the airport. All airports are the same too. I bought an elaborate sandwich, a bottle of mineral water and a small square of cake and awaited my flight. It was dark by the time we took off and headed towards Gatwick, but the skies were clear all the way over and soon, after a long two hours, we began our descent. Getting through passport control was easy, there was no need for baggage reclaim and soon I was on a train heading for East Croydon. Rome is better than Croydon, so are most places. There are no tourist attractions in Croydon, nothing worth putting on the awestruck face for.
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| Turning my back on the Colisseum... |
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| The best part of the day – lunch! |
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| A Roman statue... |
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| We thought these were the Spanish Steps... |
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