25 August 2022 - Flight BA779 Stockholm Arlanda to London Heathrow

You can tell when it's time to engage with the UK after a few days out of the cuntry. Since Monday there have been no queues and nobody moaning, but today it started again. When I arrived at check-in points 19-21a I was greeted by a queue of people standing in front of empty seats where the BA staff were supposed to be sitting. So typical that there was nobody there, but like everybody else I waited in line. BA staff eventually arrived and started the process of checking in bags. I asked for a window seat and of course there was none available because (for the first time this week) it was a full flight. The hassles, the disappointments, had started, I thought as I was handed my boarding pass which displayed a middle aisle seat and let me make this clear: the plane had two aisles with three seats per row, there was no middle aisle. It's only a short flight, but I could still do with a window. Sadly not, though, as it's a full flight. I'm now a little more miffed that I was when I woke up this morning, but I set about the task of making the most of last few hours in Stockholm.

Last snack before heading to Arlanda airport

I've got to reach page 200 before I leave here!

Breakfast at the hotel was pleasant, consisting of green tea, muesli with seeds and sultanas and a few mini cookies, not forgetting an amazing cinnamon roll. I went to my room afterwards and packed things away, had a shower - having originally considered not bothering - and then I went to the front desk and asked them to look after my bags while I cavorted around the city for the last time. Actually, 'cavorting' was not what I was doing, I was just milling around looking for somewhere to chill and read my book. It was, if you like, a last wander around town. I went to a place called Brod and Salt, two foodstuffs/ingredients I wasn't that happy about when you consider that bread contains a fair amount of salt so why have bread and salt? Why double the dose of bad health? I ordered a cappuccino and a sticky blueberry pastry that I regretted the moment I took possession of it and then I set about reading Philip Roth's American Pastoral which I'll admit I'm struggling with, but I must finish it as I borrowed it from a colleague and it's her favourite book, but I'll be honest and I will tell her I struggled. Listen, the jury is out until I finish it, the whole book might redeem itself before the end, who knows? The aim was to reach page 200 before heading to the airport and I made it.

Room 341 Scandic Malmen

I considered another coffee but didn't bother. I went back to the hotel, retrieved my suitcase from the luggage room in the basement and then headed for the metro and a short trip to the airport on the Arlanda Express. It wasn't long before I found myself at Arlanda airport and, despite saying I wouldn't eat anymore until I arrived in the UK, I consumed with gusto a cheese and ham baguette and a paper mug of tea. I made the mistake of going to the gate, which in this case meant going through passport control and not being able to go back to the shops and restaurants. There was nothing but a small kiosk, but I bought a bar of Marabou milk chocolate (Sweden's equivalent of Finland's Fazer brand, I'm guessing). It's comfort food.

The thought of a middle aisle seat continued to bug me as did the weather in the UK which was supposed to be bad, ie cloud and rain, just what I don't like when I'm flying. In Stockholm the weather was sunshine and blue skies, but I figured that at some point on the flight things would change and I would be looking down at thick cloud knowing that sooner or later I'd be descending through the murk to the UK below. What an awful thought. Heathrow airport. It normally means endless circling until a runway becomes free, although the captain said something about arriving ahead of schedule so we might avoid the crap of going round and round and round in thick cloud wondering if we'll hit another plane circling in the other direction. I tend to think of the worst when I'm flying, but I keep my thoughts to myself. I heard a voice on the Tannoy system making a last call for a flight to Helsinki and I started to wish I was on that plane, which would probably be half empty and I'd definitely get a window seat. Anything for the tranquility of a country with just 5.5 million people. Frankly, I'm amazed at how empty Helsinki airport was when I flew to Stockholm (see previous post). There was nobody around and it was wonderful. Stockholm was busier and I'm expecting the usual shit show at Heathrow immigration... and then the awful and extortionate Heathrow Express to Paddington, which is far preferable to a taxi ride home listening to the rantings of a bigoted Brexiteer going on about Siddique Khan, the Mayor of London. I'm scheduled to board a BA flight which is full-to-bursting and I'll be sitting in the middle seat. Life couldn't get much worse if it tried, I thought to myself, hoping that they might cancel the flight and put me up in a hotel overnight so I can regroup, get a window seat and fly back in the morning. I always have these thoughts and I should be careful what I wish for (avid readers will recall my last trip to Pittsburgh in May, and will know exactly what I'm talking about).

Stairwell at the Scandic Malmen

Two cunts have turned up. Former colleagues who haven't seen each other for some time. One of them now has two kids and is married and living in Battersea. The other says he used to live in Balham. I know the type, fucking awful, so I moved away just in case they say something that makes me want to vomit. The plane arrived at the gate and it's now just a matter of boarding and getting home.

The flight was fine all the way, even sitting in the middle seat was fine. I didn't speak to the person on my right who spent the entire flight - all two hours and 10 minutes - on his laptop, but I briefly had a word with the lady to my left who was knitting a small octopus for a charity that had something to do with premature babies.

Foodwise, a KitKat and an awful cup of coffee: a paper mug of hot water with a coffee bag thrown in. The member of the cabin crew who served me was raving about how good it was, but to me it was like muddy water. She kept saying it gave Costa Coffee a run for its money but let me tell you this, it was nowhere near. I wanted a proper bar of chocolate but the KitKat was all they had and let's not forget the Tyrell's potato chips and the small bottle of mineral water. British Airways love to reinforce the class divide between coach and business class, they even draw a small grey curtain across to block out the plebs in economy so that the posh people in Club Europe or whatever it's called don't have to listen to us salivating over what delicacies they have to eat compared to the crap we're given. I'd love to run amok with a tin of paint but I'm sure I'd be arrested and fined and banned from flying for years, which wouldn't go down too well, and besides, is it even possible to bring a tin of Dulux on to a plane? Probably not.

The plane did arrive ahead of schedule and I had to wait an age for the baggage handlers to load the luggage from the flight on to baggage reclaim conveyor number 11. But once I had my bag I sailed through customs with my kilo of cocaine* and made my way to the Heathrow Express (£25). I took the Bakerloo to Oxford Circus, changed on to the Victoria Line and when I reached Victoria jumped on a train to Sanderstead. Trip over.

* Joke, alright? Not serious. I know how sensitive we all are these days.